FATHERHOOD.

So here I am, a father of a little boy! And here I am typing this out way later than I wanted to. I wanted to type up a piece when my son turned 3 months however I had no idea where to start.. I still don't. 

I may as well dive right into the subject, it is by far the most surreal, amazing, inspiring, eye opening, touching experience I think you could ever have. Those of you who have kids will know what I mean (unless your children are in their teenage years and are probably testing you to the limits like I'm sure I did as a younger man). From the moment my partner & I decided to have a child together right through to the birth was a total whirlwind of emotions. I can't even begin to understand how my other half must have felt with a baby growing inside her body! That upped a gear as soon as the labour came and our son Oliver made his entrance into this world of ours. I knew from that moment nothing would be the same. 

I have a step daughter, Daisy, so for the past 4 years I have been learning and (hopefully) growing as not only an adult but as a human. I have learned so much about life through her and so much about myself and the way family units work. I felt ready for having a new born even though whenever we had discussed it before I kept thinking I wasn't. As my partner told me, you're never truly ready. You can be in love, have a steady income and a place of your own, but deciding to have a baby is just something I feel you won't ever feel ready for, you just need to decide to go for it and throw yourself in at the deep end. 
Having a new born was something I was scared about before he was born but as soon as we got him home and I started learning things from my partner about changing, feeding, washing the fear slowly drifted away. My excitement was overshadowing everything and it soon became second nature. It now feels like he has never not been in our lives. I can't imagine life without him. He just turned 4 months last Tuesday and it both feels like he hasn't been here that long but as I just mentioned, it feels like he has been with us forever. I'm so grateful to be alive and experiencing this first hand. The world is a very scary place and we are reminded of that, at the very least, once every day and it definitely doesn't get any easier when you have kids. I worry and think about a million and one things when it comes to Daisy but now it's going to be double time! It's even worse when they are babies, they 100% rely on you doing everything and it's such a crazy feeling knowing you are totally responsible for every part of their lives. I wouldn't change it for the world, it is by far the best thing I have ever done (and obviously meeting my partner, as Oliver wouldn't be here if we hadn't of met). 

As every day goes by he looks bigger and bigger, longer and longer and handsomer and handsomer. It's difficult leaving the house for any length of time never mind going to work most days. As he gets bigger it's going to be difficult not to document his every move. I don't want to end up like Christof from The Truman Show, Kangol cap and all.  I keep thinking about what he'll be like as he grows, what will his personality be like? What kind of music will he like? What kind of friends will he make and what kind of friend will he be to them? Will he like stuff I like? Will he join me at hockey games? It's a crazy thought. I'm definitely a firm believer in letting them chose their own paths with a little bit of your guidance. I hope he chooses things that are sensible and I hope he is influenced by us. I can't wait to see what happens. It already feels like a surprise every day, every single day is as good if not better than the day before. It's the ultimate natural high. I feel as he goes through life, it'll be like meeting a new person every step of the way, that excites me. Already I feel like he is developing quickly and feel as though he is progressing slightly each and every day. Whether it be a new noise or a new facial expression. All I know that any day now he will be going onto actual food and I cannot wait! Then comes the crawling and the fight for his first word.. 

Thanks for reading my thoughts on becoming a father. I don't think any of this has been thought out very much, there was a few things I wanted to say and I think I have got them in in one way or another. I just feel like I have so much energy and so much emotion flowing through my body. It is an absolutely great feeling and I can't imagine what life would be like without him in it. 

Peace! 
Jawn